T he cheapest place in which I ever lived was within walking distance of all the essential student amenities of bus stop, baked potato shop and off-licence. The catch — because of course there was a catch — was that as tenants we had to maintain the garden, which meant mowing an unruly lawn, pruning the hedge with ancient secateurs, and tending to an extended family of gnomes.

Each of the landlord’s grinning sprites must have carried an unbelievable price tag, because the terms of our lease stated that any damage to or theft of the statues would be deducted from our deposit. Hanging onto the full tribe was challenging, especially on a Friday night when local drunks weaving down the road would try to pauchle

Registered in England No. 894646. Registered office: 1 London Bridge Street, SE1 9GF.